SMASH HIS FACE, Vol. 5
Relationship Advice with Carlotta, Queen of the Amazons
Carlotta here to shatter your myths and preconceptions about love and relationships. Many of you ask Carlotta, “Carlotta, how would you know so much about love? What makes you an expert? Have you ever been in love?” This is the time when I, Carlotta, must confess to you that, yes, Carlotta has been in love. Because of this, I am an expert. Any further information does not regard you in any way.
Moving on.
Today, a letter from Judy in British Columbia:
Carlotta,
What is your ideal first date?
Sincerely, Judy.
Judy,
Amazons do not date. They fight over weak men and then, those still conscious and with all fingers and toes take men home, discarding them when the time is right. However, Carlotta will try to imagine what a nice date might consist of.
Carlotta’s ideal first date is a wrestling match. This would be followed by a punching contest and the drinking of ale. Of course, Carlotta would be dressed in her finest golden armor and would carry her most important battle axe. Ideally, Carlotta would share stories regarding the things she has killed over the years. At the end of the evening, Carlotta would put an Amazon tattoo of love on the forehead of the man she has spent time with. If the poison from the tattoo ink does not kill this man, then Carlotta would ask for a second date.
That is all.
If you have a question for Carlotta, feel free to email her at carlotta.queen.of.the.amazons@gmail.com.
