SMASH HIS FACE, VOL. 6
Relationship Advice with Carlotta, Queen of the Amazons
Greetings to those of weak will and fragile minds who need advice on love and relationships from Carlotta, Queen of the Amazons. Once again, Carlotta will guide you in affairs of the hears, so that your heart has not been torn asunder by the rabid dogs on the battlefield of love. Today’s letter comes from Laura of Middleton, Wyoming. She writes:
Carlotta,
I want to call this boy I like, Tom, but he is so popular and so good-looking that I am afraid that he will just laugh at me. What should I do?
Sincerely, Laura
Laura, since time immemorial, the attractive and manly members of the human male species have been popular amongst those of lesser physical gifts (and yes, Carlotta speaks of the fat and ugly ones here). Many, many times have those unfortunate, less genetically gifted souls pined for the “attractive” ones. Carlotta is here to tell you that this has been a mistake for many centuries.
What the general population does not understand is that those with genetic gift, or “good-looking” men, are growing less intelligent by the day. Let Carlotta explain the Amazonian theory of evolution to you.
Good-looking people do not have to try. All things are given to them because they are good-looking and those of lesser stature want to be their friend or companion. They do not have to hunt. Others hunt for them. They do not have to harvest crops. Others harvest for them. In short, they know not how to fend for themselves, as others do everything for them.
Thus, their job is to preen and strut for the general populace, providing an unattainable “ideal” for the lesser ones to work toward.
However, good-looking creatures only pair with other good-looking creatures, thus ensuring that the gene-pool is more and more limited each day. In short, good-looking people are becoming stupider because they only have relationships with other, good-looking, stupid people.
It is those of limited genetic stature that rule the planet. Observe life where you live. Where are those of good-looks? They become fewer by the day. Soon, there will be no good-looking people. Only average people with flaws and fat and pimples. And the world will be a better place for it.
In the end, you should approach this “Tom” fellow and say, “In order to ensure the survival of those with genetic gifts such as yourself, it would behoove you to engage in a romantic relationship with me.” If he agrees, I wish him eternal slavitude unto your every beck and call. If he does not agree, then I suggest you hit him in the face with something large, call him a fool and a simpleton, and then spit in his general direction, before finding someone more genetically compatible with you.
That is all.
